Dreaming

BREATHE    IN

Thanks for the message, and trying to cheer me up that's nice of you. After reading your message though I can't tell if you would often write as you said you might not get back on this site. So one must wonder what kind of pen pal you're looking for? I'm always happy to write back but as I too can get busy my response may be a week later but I do try not to let more time go by. I guess if you're still on the site holla back.

BREATH    OUT

Thank you for responding. I am not sure what kind of pen pal I will be myself. I have many profiles on many sites that I forget about and my hope in humanity wanes sometimes to a point where I just curl up in my own little world of babbling nonsense. If you find worth in my words, you can find me in many places in many ways.

Sometimes I write because I want a hug, at least in words, and I've learned to hug myself in words. I put words out on the web in the hope someone might understand me and understanding is a hug I cannot give myself. Sometimes I feel like the Who down in Whoville calling out we are here, we are here, we are here. I am but one little who, just me, and wondering if I should trust or believe in the world out there.

Never give up, never surrender.

Ok, so here I am again. You have my email, my Facebook name is Bugs Webbot (a name chosen when FB just started and the internet community warned about using real names and other real identity information online {like the birth date I use, not real, this body is actually 61 if that matters but I know how identity theft happens so I don't put my actual birth date online... not trying to be anything I'm not, just not putting identifying info in profiles... hope you can understand that} and there is probably a lot you can learn about me there without risking anything). If you prefer the safety of this site then let's try and see how we do here.

So what shall we share?

How about what we want here. Beyond the momentary literary hugs and acknowledgement that I do actually exist outside of my head, I seek friends who enjoy correspondence because I used to love to correspond and most of me still does. The part that hesitates is the part that has found rejection, abandonment, and abuse through written words, sometimes spilling over into the physical life as I have met some of my pen-friends over the years. A few have come very close to being a permanent part of my life offline. For better and worse, no one stayed. So far.

That 'so far' always gets me. Some sort of insufferable incorrigible unwavering 'hope gene' must be buried deep in my genetic code because for all the horrors I have found in trusting people (and I trust unconditionally like a child when I trust which most call foolish but I call the only way worth trying cuz anything less is conditional and I don't particularly like conditional love or trust... I'm an odd kid in an old man's body lol).

I am not on this site looking for offline meetups (I have meetup dot com for that if I want) or romance or cybersex or any sort of momentary hookups, though I will likely send a happy smile whenever I see a frown when I have time. I seem to have some sort of 'helper gene' to go along with my 'hope' as helping people is one of my favorite things to do in this world... spread some sunshine all over the place, just put on a happy face... that's a big part of who I am.

On the other hand, I mourn for all the suffering in this world and am all too aware and conscious which should keep me permanently depressed, but somehow I find a way to enjoy life in spite of the humans (sense of humor is strong, and warped, in this one... working in hospitals may have encouraged that).

What would you like to share?

Ask anything, I prefer to be an open book. If you want to read some of my babblings (besides Facebook), you can find a way into my written gardens at http:///candoor.net (blogs are the most recent online writings I put out there in cyberspace). I shall pause now because you may not want to continue... and morning comes early tomorrow (sleep, perchance to dream, drift, even). How do you dream and/or drift?

Hope you find some amusement or something worth your time in these words.

And smile a few times a day, even if it's forced, it's good exercise and nobody wants flabby cheeks, right? :)

hl,
ric